moments in this relationship that made me stop, catch my breath, and wonder how things could always find a way to be a little better than they were before.  far too many to list.  one of them though was when she began to refer to this place as ours, or as hers.  rather than say why don't you come out to lori anne's house, it became why don't you come out to our house.  i'd longed to hear that, but never suggested it.  then one day it happened.  when it did i felt as if something in my chest was about to explode and i had to walk back behind the house and have myself a cry.  happy tears. 

the thing about being with someone, is being able to think back, to remember her, 3 years ago, or 5, or 7.  and noticing how she has changed.   and knowing ive changed to, and wonder what she notices about my changes.  probably things i dont notice.

and though i always wanted this to be "our" house, "our" place, sometimes i should be careful what i ask for.  a few sundays ago, when sitting in church, i was reading in the calendar of events and nearly had my heart stop when i read that everyone was invited out to our place to pick pecans the following saturday.  i wondered how in the hell that wound up in there, i didnt do it.  then i realized it was my partner in crime.  i leaned over and asked her what this was about and she said (lied!), "i told you about that."  lol. 

on part of this farm, there is this pecan grove we call it.  someone, many years ago, planted 240 pecan trees.  12 rows of 20 trees, though some have since died.  ive always liked to go and sit amongst these magnificent old trees.  wonder about the person, or persons, who planted them.  what were their plans?  what prompted them to plant them, and who did they plant them for? most of them wind up being eaten by squirrels, my mom always had some of them picked up for pecan pie, and to cook with, and i've done the same.

jaymie has fussed at me for letting them go to waste ever since she first came here.  i said something eats them so not really a waste, lol.  but she said i needed to learn to share!  and she took matters into her own hands.  she had been saving up the plastic containers coffee comes in, and milk containers, and had made handles and done all this out in the shop and i never really paid much attention.  i remember now seeing them, thinking just another craft idea she dreamed up, lol. 

and so i was assigned the task of making little sandwiches, making iced tea, and buying juice boxes, and drinks and getting them iced down.  she knew someone who had a pecan cracking machine so i had to get someone to put a generator out there, one we got after the hurricane.  she had gotten different people to loan us picnic tables and even gotten my brothers to haul them out to the pecan grove.  (they wouldn't do that for me at gunpoint! lol).

the end result was a pretty good turnout.  all ages, and we made an afternoon of it.   people took as much as they wanted.  some only a ziploc bag or two of pecans, others enough to make quite a few pies, lol.  after the last of them left, we sort of took a stroll and picked up any paper or drink bottles left under the trees.  she asked if i was mad and i said why would i be?  she said good, cause it was nice having so many come out.  and sharing what we had with them.  i said yes, it was.  she said it would be an annual event and even bigger and better next year. 

that night, we lay in bed after having fooled around some and she whispered to me "i think someone planted those trees for us, cause they knew someday two people would be in love and need a place to pick pecans, with their friends." 

after she fell  to sl eep, i lay there and id caress her back gently.  not to wake her, but then she can sl eep through anything.  i thought about sharing and i thought about how this girl had changed over all these years.  and i thought about how i had, and had because of her.  i could hear the sounds of voices, the sound of laughter out under those trees.  the clickety clack of the pecan cracking machine, and the noise of the generator. but most off all, i heard her voice, her words, about sharing.

and i heard the sound of measured breathing of someone next to me.  and i got that feeling again, like my chest was going to explode.

ps wtf is the deal with S L E E P being censored, lmfao.  someone get a grip.